Gossip Girl Recap

Ok, so because I love Gossip Girl (no, seriously, LOVE) I'm going to be live-blogging it every Monday! Get excited. Just for the record, I like Gossip Girl because it's hilariously entertaining and the clothes are awesome. Not because I think it's high quality TV (Maud). That award goes to the Office (love!)

But anyways, I'll be starting tonight. As in right now.

Starting out the episode with Chuck's Union Jack cuff links? Good choice. I love him. But on to more important things. Blair DID hook up with Uncle Jack on New Year's! I knew it! And Nate is back! Finally. His unexplained absence was getting a little ridiculous. I missed his man bangs.

Uncle Jack is Chuck's legal guardian? Hahahahahaha. But Chuck is right. His dad's last letter would have asked why he wears so much purple. It's a legitimate question. And now Chuck is giving away his share in Bass Industries? All that Thai opium went to his head.

Blake Lively's hair looks fabulous. Penelope is a BITCH for texting Gossip Girl and bringing up Georgina! The fact that Chuck thinks he can take over Bass Industries at 17 is kind of ridiculous. My bet is that Jack spills about/blackmails Blair in revenge. He is freakishly obssessed with Blair (who is increasingly blond--what's up with that?) and he is totally setting her up with Chuck's "surprise party."

Gossip Girl is has way too much time on her hands. Putting a hit out on Dan? Doesn't she have bigger fish to fry? Dan and Vanessa are in Dylan's Candy Bar! Yum. And now Nellie Yuki is a spy? Scary. The mini Gossip Girl minions are hilarious. And extremely frightening.

Damn Uncle Jack. Getting Chuck to cancel on Blair and then hiring prostitutes to distract him? That sickeningly dapper man has no soul, which is fitting, given his last name. But, more surprisingly, did Rufus and Lily really expect their adopted child to want to contact them? Are they on crack? But Blair telling Serena she can't wait for her to get Botox so that Serena's eyebrows will stop judging her totally makes up for that.

WHAT IS JENNY WEARING? Is that a side ponytail braid? And a black turtleneck dress with a nude bra detail? Shut up. I seriously cannot believe Penelope posted about Dan/Serena's brother on Gossip Girl. That's tacky, even for her. Dan and Serena are soooo over. It's about time. And again, Uncle Jack is the devil. Cocaine AND prostitutes? Damn. Little Chuck is never getting majority shares in Bass industries now. I seriously feel bad for him right now. He managed to alienate Blair and the board in thirty seconds flat. Nice. But when did Eric go from light blonde to dark brunette? Do they seriously think we won't notice these things?

Rufus is acting like a two year old. He is soooo selfish. Grrrrrr. He seriously needs to leave that poor boy alone. Why is Lily still in love with him? Why are they making out? I underestimated you Gossip Girl. You aren't above setting Dan and Serena up for incest. And OMG Rufus and Lily slept together. Ugh, I am so over those two. And Rufus' fugly tattoos. What is that, a hummingbird? He's a failed rockstar with hummingbird tattoos. Now that's hot.

Uncle Jack is officially a douche. WTF is a morality clause? That does so not sound legally binding. Finally, we get to see Nate again! Where have they been hiding him? OMG Nate and Dan are totally having a bromance moment. Haha they are perfect together. Maybe they should be dating. Wait......the illegitimate child is dead? I had to sit through all of that Rufus and Lily build up for nothing? Are you kidding me?

If I were Blair, I would have spurned Chuck too (especially because he STILL hasn't said I love you), but the fact that he turned up with peonies (the best flower EVER) kind of makes me love him again. And the fact that she threw the peonies back in the elevator kind of makes my soul cry. Seeing Chuck's fabulous trench coat with the dove grey piping trim in the pan up to his mournful expression cheers me up a little bit though.

Why are Dan and Serena still talking? Why aren't they appropriately grossed out by the fact that they SHARE A SIBLING? Why is Dan looking for literary incest situations to back up his argument that they should be together? Lonely boy is, and always will be, a sad little book geek. Ok, a mildly adorable sad little book geek.

Gasp! Did the adoptive parents lie to Lily and Rufus? Yes! The incest plot thread is alive again! Oh god, Lily/Rufus and Dan/Serena are all back in the same room and the incest tension is freakin palpable.

Next week: A new teacher? That's the best they could come up with? Well, I guess after this episode the writers deserved a little break. For five minutes. Now get back to work!

Fashion Recap: This episode wasn't really that memorable on the fashion front. Serena wasn't criminally overexposed (which is always good), but Blair's dress in preparation for dinner with Chuck was skanktastic. She def made up for it with the printed blouse/pencil skirt outfit she wore for the second half of the episode. Fab. But little J had no redeeming fashion moments. She wants to be a fashion designer and she's running around in nude over black dresses with messy side braid ponytails and black scrunchies? I am so NOT convinced, Gossip Girl.